I. M. Meen - Scroll Archive (I. M. Meen's Writings)
This section of the Scroll Archive deals with the novels and works written by I. M. Meen. These include his self-insert novels, his collected poems, his autobiography, and his diary.
Meen Goes to Mars -- Meen: Dino Hunter -- The Temple of Gloom -- Hooray for Meen -- The Collected Poems of I. M. Meen -- One Great Guy: the Life Story of I. M. Meen -- I. M. Meen's diary
I. M. Meen's Writings: Meen Goes to Mars
| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
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| The rocket ship landed softly on the red sands of Mars.
"Another perfect landing, Captain Meen," said lovely Lieutenant Wanda Mann. "All in a day's work, Wanda," replied the brilliant and handsome rocket pilot. |
| Location: Level 3 (The Tower 3)
Cell northeast of player start |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| The three-eyed Drool Beast crawled out of its hole and started toward
the handsome Captain Meen and his assistant, Lieutenant Wanda Mann. Closer and closer it came, its foul breath burning the red Martian sand. Lieutenant Mann shrieked and hid behind Captain Meen's muscular body. Suddenly the beast sprang forward, slobbering and roaring! The rocket pilot flashed a stunning grin and fired his megalaser, blasting the alien into blobs of quivering purple jelly. |
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Placement in book is speculatory |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| "Captain Meen!" yelled Lieutenant Wanda Mann over her helmet
intercom. "I found something!" "Easy, Wanda," the good-looking rocket pilot calmly replied. "I'll be right there." Flipping the switch on his Personal Uplifter Pack, Meen soared into the thin Martian air, gliding over the rocky ridges and dunes of red sand that covered the surface of the planet. He spotted Lt. Mann standing on a dune nearby and floated over to her. She watched as the expert space jockey settled softly on the sand beside her. "All right, Wanda, what have you found?" he asked. "Take a look down there, Captain Meen," she replied, pointing to a spot at the base of the enormous dune on which they stood. |
| Location: Level 10 (The Sewer 2)
Southwestern cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| They found the ancient rocket ship they were searching for.
It lay at the bottom of a deep crater, covered with centuries of red Martian dust. "Well, Wanda, let's go see what's inside," said handsome rocket pilot I. M. Meen, flexing his tremendous muscles. "Whatever you say, sir," Wanda replied. She followed the daring rocket pilot down into the crater, happy to be working with such a brave and neatly dressed fellow. |
| Location: Level 11 (The Sewer 3)
Center-west cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| Captain Meen pulled out his blaster and shot the ancient spaceship's
rusty hatch off its hinges. Where the hatch had been, there was now a dark hole. "Let's take a look inside, Wanda," said Meen, stepping through the hole into the ship. "Right behind you, Captain Meen," said Lieutenant Wanda Mann, who was thinking what a joy it was to be working with such a brave and handsome space pilot. |
| Location: Level 12 (The Sewer 4)
Northwestern cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| The hallway beyond the hatch was dark, so Lieutenant Wanda Mann
took out her flashlight and turned it on. "Look, Captain Meen!" she cried as her light struck an object lying on the dusty floor ten feet away. It was the skeleton of a huge alien creature, wearing some type of space suit. "It's so big!" exclaimed Wanda. "I'd say it stood twenty feet tall when it was alive, give or take a quarter of an inch," replied Meen. "I wonder what killed it?" asked Wanda. "It was killed in the crash, Wanda," replied Meen. "How can you tell, Captain?" asked Wanda. "There's a head-sized dent in the ceiling," Meen replied, pointing to the spot. "It looks like the creature whacked its head when the ship slammed into the ground." |
| Location: Level 13 (The Caves 1)
Northeastern cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| Captain Meen wiped the thick dust from the ancient spaceship's
control panel. "It looks like the power core is still working," he said, pointing to the blinking lights on the panel. "What's this switch for, Captain Meen?" asked Lieutenant Wanda Mann, flipping a black switch. "Don't touch it, Wanda!" yelled Meen, a second too late. The ship's engines suddenly roared to life, and the ship leaped upward into the atmosphere, flinging Meen and Lt. Mann to the floor. "You've turned on the Megawarp Generator," said Captain Meen, struggling to regain his feet. "We're already light years away from Mars and accelerating." "Whoops," said Wanda. |
| Location: Level 14 (The Caves 2)
Northwestern cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| By the time Captain Meen managed to turn off the Megawarp
Generator, the spaceship had entered a strange galaxy millions of light years from home. "I'm really sorry, Captain Meen," said Lieutenant Wanda Mann. "I never thought that flipping one switch would make this happen." "No problem, Wanda," said the forgiving rocket pilot. "I've always wondered what was out in this corner of the universe." "Will it be difficult to find our way back?" asked Wanda. "No harder than finding a lost contact lens in the Sahara desert during a sandstorm," replied Meen, examining the alien control panel. "That's a relief," said Wanda. |
| Location: Level 15 (The Caves 3)
Southwestern cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| The stars on the ancient spaceship's viewscreen were unfamiliar to
Captain Meen and Lieutenant Wanda Mann, his assistant. "Since we're here anyway, Wanda," said brave Captain Meen, "why don't we take a look around the galaxy." "I think I've figured out the controls, Captain," replied Wanda, who was carefully studying a control panel. "Take us to that greenish planet over there on the left, Wanda," said Meen, pointing to the viewscreen. "Yes, sir," Lt. Mann replied, pushing a few buttons. The ship zoomed through space toward the green world. |
| Location: Level 17 (The Catacombs 1)
Southwestern cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| Captain Meen took over the controls from Lieutenant Wanda Mann.
Using his instincts as his guide, he maneuvered the ship to a soft landing on the surface of the strange planet. "All right, Wanda, let's see what the locals are like," he said, flashing a dazzling smile. Lt. Mann smiled back, thinking how lucky she was to be teamed up with such a wonderful man. Meen and Wanda made their way through the corridors of the ancient ship to the open hatch and exited. The surface of the planet was made up of a strange, spongy rock as green as the grass of Earth. The pair bounced slightly with each step, as though their boots had springs in them. About a thousand meters away, an odd structure loomed on the horizon. It was several hundred feet in height, dotted with triangular panes of black glass like dark windows. It appeared to be deserted. "Let's head over there, Wanda," said Meen, pointing at the strange building. |
| Location: Level 18 (The Catacombs 2)
Northwestern cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| Captain Meen and Lt. Mann entered the strange alien building and
looked around. Far above them, the ceiling of the huge room was hidden from view by a sparkly pink cloud. The walls and floor of the room were made of a shiny black material that looked like polished glass. "There's no one here," said Wanda. Suddenly, the pink cloud spoke. "Who dares to enter the sacred Thought Chamber of Grozbik the Wise?" With each word, the walls of the huge room shook. "I am Captain I. M. Meen from the planet Earth, and I come in peace," replied Meen calmly. "You have disturbed Grozbik's thoughts, and you must be punished!" roared the cloud. Tiny bolts of lightning began flickering in the cloud. "Listen, Grozbik, we don't have time for this," said Meen. "We've got to get back to Earth, and we need your help. How about it?" The lightning stopped flickering. "Hmm," said Grozbik. "I'll help you on one condition." "And what's the condition?" asked Meen. "You must give me the answer to the question I was thinking about when you interrupted me," replied the cloud. "If you're correct, I'll help you. But if you're wrong, you remain with me for eternity." "We'd better get it right, Captain," said Wanda. "I've got a date on Saturday night." |
| Location: Level 20 (The Catacombs 4)
Eastern cell in southern hidden area |
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| A page from the novel Meen Goes to Mars by I. M. Meen: |
| "O.K., Grizbuk, what's the riddle?" asked clever space pilot I. M. Meen.
"How many heads does a Jixan Gorblebee have?" said the pink cloud. "What's a Jixan Gorblebee, Captain?" asked Wanda. "I'm not sure, Wanda, but I have a plan," replied the brave pilot. He spoke to the cloud. "I thought you were going to ask us a tough one, Grizbuk," he said. "Everyone knows that a Jixan Gorblebee has twice as many heads as a Fluvian Sandmutt." The cloud looked confused. Wanda looked even more confused. "You do know what a Fluvian Sandmutt is, don't you?" asked Meen. "Well, I...of course I do!" replied the cloud. "You answered the riddle, and I will return you to your planet. Do the universe a favor, Earthlings, and stay there!" With a bright flash of pink energy, the pair of space adventurers vanished. In the blink of an eye, they were back on Earth. "You did it, Captain Meen!" said Wanda happily. "You're the bravest, smartest, best-looking space pilot ever!" "You're right, Wanda, and I also dance a mean polka." said Captain Meen as they walked toward the orange glow of the setting sun. "Let's get back to base and find another ship. There's a whole universe waiting for us out there." |
| Location: Level 22 (The Hedgerow Maze 2)
Northwestern cell in "four cells" area |
I. M. Meen's Writings: Meen: Dino Hunter
| A page from the novel Meen: Dino Hunter by I. M. Meen: |
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| The prehistoric jungle was hot and steamy, and the three men were
soaked with sweat. It had taken them three days to descend into the hidden valley that had remained untouched by time. "I don't know how much more of this I can take, gentlemen," said Niles Quickload. His eyes darted about nervously. "That goes double for me," added Brandon Dirkwell. "I'm getting jumpy." "Get a grip on yourselves, you sissy boys!" growled I. M. Meen, dinosaur hunter and daring adventurer. "I don't have time for your whining. My instincts tell me there's a hungry T-rex nearby, and I don't plan to be his main course!" |
| Location: Level 7 (The Dungeon 3)
Cell south of player start |
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| A page from the novel Meen: Dino Hunter by I. M. Meen: |
| Niles Quickload pulled off his backpack and sat on a large rock.
"How can we keep up this pace, Meen?" he asked, wiping the sweat from his face. Brandon Dirkwell collapsed on the ground nearby. "I've got to rest," he groaned, "or I won't last until dark." "We've only been hiking for fourteen hours, you sissies," replied Meen, who looked as fresh as a daisy. "I thought you guys were supposed to be tough." |
| Location: Level 15 (The Caves 3)
Western cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen: Dino Hunter by I. M. Meen: |
| The roar of the angry T-rex caught Niles Quickload off guard. He
dropped his gun and curled up into a little ball, whimpering. The savage dinosaur burst from the trees nearby and saw the terrified man. It ran toward him, each step shaking the earth. Quickload crawled like a worm toward the bushes nearby, but the T- rex was too fast. It reached its huge head down to scoop him into its mouth. Suddenly, a voice called out from behind the dinosaur. "Hey, you overgrown salamander! Why not try a bite of I. M. Meen! I'm sure I taste better than old Quickload!" The T-rex turned and saw Meen standing at the edge of the clearing. Meen picked up a rock and threw it at the huge lizard, hitting it hard on the forehead. "That's using your head, you big dope!" yelled Meen, laughing. The dinosaur roared with rage and ran toward Meen, thundering across the clearing at top speed. |
| Location: Level 16 (The Caves 4)
Eastern cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen: Dino Hunter by I. M. Meen: |
| Meen watched calmly as the Tyrannosaurus rex thundered toward
him from across the clearing. Suddenly, the ground gave way beneath its feet, and it tumbled into a deep pit, roaring in anger. Niles Quickload got to his feet, still shaking from fear. "I can't believe it, Meen," he said. "You caught the T-rex! I didn't think it was possible!" "Of course I caught it," snapped Meen. "The thing has a brain the size of a marshmallow!" Meen paused and looked around. "Speaking of small brains, where's Dirkwell? I haven't seen him since the T-rex showed up," he said. "When he saw it coming, he decided to hide in the pit," replied Quickload, pointing to the hole the giant dinosaur had just fallen into. Some munching noises came from within the pit, followed by a loud belch. "So much for Dirkwell," said Meen. |
| Location: Level 19 (The Catacombs 3)
Northern cell in hidden tunnel |
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| A page from the novel Meen: Dino Hunter by I. M. Meen: |
| Meen used a powerful tranquilizer dart to knock the T-rex out. He took
out his two-way radio and called the helicopter that had been waiting outside the valley for his signal. "Team Leader to Guardian Angel," said Meen. "Come in Guardian Angel. Over." "This is Guardian Angel. What's your status, Team Leader? Over," the pilot replied. "We've bagged the bad boy, Angel," replied Meen, "and we need to take him home. Over." "Roger, Team Leader. What is your current location? Over." "We're three miles due east of Checkpoint Alpha, Guardian Angel. Come on down. Over," said Meen. The pilot confirmed their location and signed off. Twenty minutes later, they heard the helicopter coming toward them. "Now that's a beautiful sound," said Quickload, who was glad to leave this savage land. |
| Location: Level 21 (The Hedgerow Maze 1)
Eastern cell in area north of exit |
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| A page from the novel Meen: Dino Hunter by I. M. Meen: |
| The helicopter rose slowly up into the sky, hauling the drugged T-rex
into the air. Meen looked down from the open door of the helicopter. Although the metal net that held the beast looked strong, Meen wondered if it would be strong enough to stop the razor-sharp claws and teeth of the dinosaur if it woke up. "Quickload, how long does that tranquilizer last?" asked Meen. "Oh, I'd say anywhere from one to four hours," replied Niles Quickload, big game hunter. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner? It's already been three hours since I drugged him! He's going to wake up any minute!" yelled Meen, suddenly wondering why he had teamed up with idiots. A roar from below the helicopter startled the two dinosaur hunters and their pilot. The T-rex was awake. |
| Location: Level 22 (The Hedgerow Maze 2)
Southeastern cell in "four cells" area |
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| A page from the novel Meen: Dino Hunter by I. M. Meen: |
| The helicopter suddenly lurched to one side as the enormous
Tyrannosaurus rex began thrashing wildly in the net below. "We can't take much more of this, Meen!" shouted the pilot, who was struggling to keep the helicopter steady. "Cut the net loose, Quickload, or we'll all be killed!" screamed Meen, who was struggling to regain his feet. Niles Quickload was sitting at the open door, arms locked onto the doorway, whimpering. "I guess I'll have to do it myself!" yelled Meen, crawling to the door. He pulled his favorite machete out of the sheath and started to hack at the rope holding the net to the helicopter. Just then, the T-rex thrashed again, and the helicopter jerked wildly as the net broke free. Quickload lost his grip and crashed into Meen. The two men tumbled out of the helicopter, following the net and its roaring cargo down into the thick jungle below. |
| Location: Level 23 (The Hedgerow Maze 3)
Western cell in southeastern area |
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| A page from the novel Meen: Dino Hunter by I. M. Meen: |
| The T-rex crashed downward through the thick treetops, roaring its
fury. Niles Quickload fell after the dinosaur, shrieking in terror. Quickload's arms and legs were swinging wildly as though he was trying to swim through the air. I. M. Meen twisted his body as he fell, aiming for the thickest part of the treetops below. The T-rex hit the ground with a loud thump and lay there, stunned. The dinosaur's fall had been broken by the trees, and it was not seriously hurt. Quickload suddenly realized that he couldn't swim through air and twisted his body in order to land in the softest place possible. Unfortunately, he didn't plan well, and he landed on the soft tongue of the T-rex. There was a roar of surprise, then a crunch and a gulp, and Quickload's career was over. "If that lousy meal doesn't give it indigestion, nothing will," said Meen as he bounced from tree branch to tree branch. He flipped through the air and landed on his feet, unhurt. "That was a nice little workout," he said, brushing the leaves from his clothes. "Now it's time to end this hunt once and for all." |
| Location: Level 24 (The Hedgerow Maze 4)
Easternmost cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen: Dino Hunter by I. M. Meen: |
| The giant T-rex leaped to its feet and roared at fearless I. M. Meen.
Meen laughed. "Ooh, I'm really scared! You couldn't catch me if I leaped down your throat, you big, stupid lizard!" Meen yelled at the dinosaur. It roared in anger and raced toward him. At the last moment, Meen dove to the side, and the giant lizard slammed into a small tree, knocking it over. "Tree strikes and you're out!" laughed Meen. He jumped off a nearby log and grabbed a vine, swinging up into the branches of a tall tree. The T-rex got to its feet and roared again. It started toward Meen, its walk a little wobbly. Just before it reached the tree, Meen swung again, kicking the dinosaur on the snout as he swung by. The dinosaur howled, and chased after the brave adventurer. Meen led it through the thick jungle, always staying a few steps ahead of the huge beast. Suddenly, the jungle ended at the edge of a high cliff. "Uh oh," said Meen as the T-rex closed in for the kill. |
| Location: Level 26 (The Castle 2)
Southern cell |
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| A page from the novel Meen: Dino Hunter by I. M. Meen: |
| Meen was in a tough spot, and he knew it. He stood at the edge of a
high cliff as the T-rex raced toward him, snapping its jaws hungrily. He looked over the edge of the cliff and saw the jungle a thousand feet below. The T-rex was now only a few yards away, and Meen could feel its hot breath on his back. "Well, here goes nothing," he said, and dove over the edge of the cliff. The T-rex roared in surprise and tried to stop, but it was going too fast. It skidded over the edge of the cliff and fell like a rock. It was still roaring when it disappeared into the thick trees below. All was quiet at the top of the cliff. Suddenly, a strong hand reached up from below the edge and grabbed onto a boulder. I. M. Meen pulled himself back up onto the cliff and brushed the dirt from his stylish safari outfit. "It's a good thing that vine was hanging there," he said, looking at a thick vine that grew just below the cliff's edge, "or I'd be a pancake right now." He took out his portable radio and signalled the helicopter. He had faced the raw fury of the T-rex, and lived to tell the tale. As the helicopter appeared over the trees, the famous dino hunter smiled. He knew that someday the hunt would continue. It was his destiny. |
| Location: Level 27 (The Castle 3)
Central south cell |
I. M. Meen's Writings: The Temple of Gloom
| A page from the novel The Temple of Gloom by I. M. Meen: |
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| Meen and his assistant made their way down the ancient stone steps
that led deep into the heart of the mountain. "Are you sure this is the right way to the Temple of Gloom?" asked Hubert nervously. "What's the matter, old chum, getting jumpy?" replied Meen. He paused to examine some strange marks scratched into the walls on both sides of the stair they were on. "That's strange," he said. "These marks seem to be made by force, as though something heavy slammed into the walls." Suddenly, there was a loud click and a sound of grinding rock. "Jump, Hubert, jump!" yelled Meen, shoving his assistant forward and leaping after him. A split second later, the solid stone walls slammed together with a loud crash, then slid back into place. Meen and Hubert got up and dusted themselves off. |
| Location: Level 8 (The Dungeon 4)
Southeastern cell |
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| A page from the novel The Temple of Gloom by I. M. Meen: |
| The world famous explorer Minnesota Meen climbed down the ancient
stone staircase, pausing at the bottom. Hubert, Meen's assistant, stopped just behind him. "What's wrong, Minnesota?" asked Hubert. "It's a dead end, old chum," replied Meen, inspecting the solid rock wall before him. "I hope you're kidding!" cried Hubert, "We can't go back because of the cave-in!" Meen turned and grabbed his hysterical assistant by the shoulders. "Get a grip on yourself, Hubert!" he said, shaking the man, "Minnesota Meen isn't ready to cash in his chips just yet. I've discovered a hidden latch on this wall." He turned back to the wall and pushed on a spot in the wall before him. There was a click, and the wall slid noiselessly aside. |
| Location: Level 12 (The Sewer 4)
Northeastern cell |
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| A page from the novel The Temple of Gloom by I. M. Meen: |
| The passage was low and narrow. Minnesota Meen and his assistant
Hubert had to stoop as they walked further into the depths of the ancient temple. Meen stopped suddenly. From somewhere ahead they heard a low, eerie moan. It was coming toward them. Hubert whimpered and started backing away from the sound. "Stop blubbering, you ninny!" whispered Meen. "It's probably just a ghost or demon or something. There's nothing to worry about," he added, reaching into his backpack. He pulled out a small jade figurine on a gold necklace and put it around his neck. "See, there's nothing to be afraid of," said Meen. "This magic necklace will keep me safe from harm." "Uh, Minnesota, what about me?" asked Hubert nervously. "I'd run for it if I were you, old chum," replied Meen. "Whatever is coming up that tunnel will probably tear you to shreds!" |
| Location: Level 16 (The Caves 4)
Northeastern cell |
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| A page from the novel The Temple of Gloom by I. M. Meen: |
| Hubert ran up the stairs, screaming at the top of his lungs. A figure
appeared out of the gloom ahead of Minnesota Meen. It was man-shaped but floated several inches above the tunnel floor. It had a hideous skull face and wicked claws. "So there you are!" said Meen, tapping his foot impatiently. "You're late!" The ghost stopped moaning and looked startled. "You were supposed to meet us here fifteen minutes ago to guide us to the treasure! Where have you been?" demanded Meen. The ghost looked confused and embarrassed and shrugged its bony shoulders apologetically. "Don't slouch when I'm talking to you!" yelled Meen. The ghost straightened up immediately. Ghostly sweat began running down its brow. "I suppose if we hurry I still have time to go to the treasure," said Meen, looking at his watch. The ghost nodded eagerly, happy to be of service. It beckoned Meen with a bony arm, and he followed it down the tunnel into the darkness. |
| Location: Level 17 (The Catacombs 1)
Northeastern cell |
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| A page from the novel The Temple of Gloom: |
| As fearless Minnesota Meen followed the ghost through the dark and
dreary tunnel, Hubert caught up to him. "Is...is that what I think it is?" asked Hubert nervously, pointing at their spooky guide. "Of course not, old chum," replied Meen. "This fellow is far worse than anything you could think of." Hubert gulped, and wiped the sweat from his face. "Where is he taking us?" he asked. "Straight to the treasure," replied Meen. He leaned over and whispered in Hubert's ear. "When we get there, I want you to distract the ghost so that I can find what we came for." "Uh...sure, Minnesota. Whatever you say," replied Hubert. "By the way, what did we come here for?" |
| Location: Level 21 (The Hedgerow Maze 1)
Western cell in area north of exit |
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| A page from the novel The Temple of Gloom by I. M. Meen: |
| The ghostly guide paused at the entrance to a drafty cavern. The
cavern was lit by a green, spooky glow that came from the moss growing on the cavern walls. Minnesota Meen leaned over and whispered in his assistant's ear. "Now's the time for that diversion, Hubert. I've got to have at least three minutes to find the Golden Parakeet." "But what should I do to distract the ghost?" asked Hubert. "Tell him a joke or something," replied Meen. "Just keep him busy." Hubert walked slowly over to the ghost, who was waiting patiently at the entrance to the cavern. "Hello there, Mr. Ghost," said Hubert, smiling warmly. The ghost smiled and waved hello. As Hubert talked to the ghost, Meen edged over to the cavern entrance and slipped inside. |
| Location: Level 26 (The Castle 2)
Northwestern cell |
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| A page from the novel The Temple of Gloom by I. M. Meen: |
| "Now you've done it, loud beak!" yelled Minnesota Meen as he ran
across the cavern. The angry ghost was gaining on him. He could hear Hubert's running feet fading into the distance. "It looks like he's going to catch you, you clumsy guy!" laughed the little statue. "I'd start thinking of my last words if I were you!" "One more word out of you, you winged rat, and I'll melt you down and make spoons out of you!" growled the brave adventurer as he ducked under a stalactite. Suddenly, the ghost stopped and floated a few feet from Minnesota Meen. It looked at him with its big black eyes and smiled. "Yes," said Meen, "that's right. It was all a big misunderstanding. We're pals, remember?" He smiled at the ghost. The ghost chuckled, and pointed a bony claw at a spot behind the bold adventurer. Meen turned and wished he hadn't. "Oh boy," he said, staring at the nine foot scaly demon that was coming toward him. "I'm with the ghost," said the nervous Golden Parakeet. |
| Location: Level 27 (The Castle 3)
Southwestern cell |
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| A page from the novel The Temple of Gloom by I. M. Meen: |
| The huge scaly demon opened its mouth in a snarl. Minnesota Meen
noticed that it could use some dental work, but thought it would be rude to point this out. Instead, he took the Golden Parakeet statue out of his backpack and held it behind his back, his hand clamped over the bird's beak. The demon leaped, opening its jaws even wider in order to bite off Meen's handsome head. Meen pulled the statue from behind his back and jammed it into the demon's jaws. He heard the demon's teeth shatter as they bit down on the metal statue. For once, the Golden Parakeet was speechless, but the demon let out a horrible shriek that sent the ghost flying up to the roof and sent Meen running for the stairs. As he passed the cave entrance, Meen pulled a lever he noticed on the wall next to the cavern. A huge block of stone dropped from the ceiling, closing off the cavern and trapping the evil creatures inside. Hubert ran down the stairs to greet the brave adventurer. "Minnesota! I found a way out! Have you got the Golden Parakeet?" he asked. "That thing was more trouble than it was worth, Hubert," replied Meen, "But I've got another quest in mind that'll make this trip seem like a day at the park! Let's go!" Hubert followed the bold explorer up the stairs, making a mental note to find a four leaf clover. He had a feeling he was going to need all the luck he could get. |
| Location: Level 28 (The Castle 4)
Cell north of Count Meenula's painting |
I. M. Meen's Writings: Hooray for Meen
| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
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| The two men in the newspaper office sat in grim silence. Horace
Farnsworth, editor of The Jollyburg Chronicle, cleared his throat. "There's one last hope for Jollyburg, Mr. Mayor," he said. "Only I. M. Meen can get us out of this jam we're in. If he doesn't, Toxo Corporation will bulldoze the town and build a huge factory!" The door opened, and cub reporter Billy Duncan ran in. "I've got great news!" said Billy. "Well, What is it, lad?" asked Mayor Trueblue. "Mr. Meen is going to help us!" cried the excited young man. |
| Location: Level 9 (The Sewer 1)
Southern cell |
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| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
| Meen parked his car outside the electrified fence surrounding Toxo
Corporation. He got out of the car and opened the trunk. Inside was a small trampoline. He pulled it out and placed it on the grass about six feet from the fence. He walked back twenty paces, took a deep breath, then ran forward as fast as he could. Just before he reached the trampoline, he leaped into the air. He hit the trampoline and bounced upward toward the fence. He did an excellent double somersault with a half twist as he cleared the barbed wire at the top of the fence, then landed on the other side. |
| Location: Level 10 (The Sewer 2)
Southeastern cell |
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| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
| Handsome young Meen made his way to the back of Toxo Corporation
Headquarters. He saw a door marked "Private" that was guarded by two heavily armed security guards. Meen thought for a moment, then came up with a plan. "Hey, dope, your shoes are untied," he said. The voice seemed to come from the first security guard. The second guard looked startled, then tied his shoes carefully. When he was done, he turned to his companion. "You shouldn't call me a dope," he said, upset by the remark. "I didn't call you a dope, you dope," replied the other guard. "Yes you did! And you just did it again!" yelled the first guard, who was really upset now. He reached out and pulled the other guard's hair. "Ow!" yelled the second guard. "Now you're really going to get it!" He kicked the first guard in the shin. "That does it!" screamed the first guard, leaping on the second guard. The two tumbled to the ground, biting and pinching each other. Meen slipped through the door unnoticed. |
| Location: Level 11 (The Sewer 3)
Southeastern cell |
| ---- |
| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
| Meen paused outside a door marked "Barton Blote, President." He put
his ear to the door and listened. "In just a few short days," said a gravelly voice from behind the door, "we'll be able to legally bulldoze the whole town and build the biggest chemical factory in the world!" "That's great, Vulch," said a deep voice, "but what about that Meen character? My spies in the town say he's tough." "You just leave him to me, Mr. Blote," replied Vulch. "I'll take care of that little problem. Permanently." Without warning, the door flew open. Meen was caught off balance and fell to the floor inside Blote's office. He rose to his feet, aware that a gun was pressed against his back. |
| Location: Level 13 (The Caves 1)
Southern cell |
| ---- |
| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
| "Well, well, look who's dropped in for a little visit," said Vulch, jabbing
Meen in the back with his gun. "You want me to take care of this little problem, Mr. Blote?" "Not yet, Vulch. Let's have a little chat with our guest first," replied Blote. "Do take a seat, Mr. Meen. I've been wanting to meet you. My name is Barton Blote. I'm the president of Toxico Chemical Corporation." "I know who you are, you big bag of wind!" shouted Meen. "I'm not going to let you turn Jollyburg into a giant chemical factory!" "And just how do you plan to stop me, Meen?" said Blote, smirking. "You've got other things to worry about at the moment. Like your last words, for example." Vulch's finger tightened on the trigger. |
| Location: Level 16 (The Caves 4)
Northwestern cell |
| ---- |
| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
| "Go ahead and shoot me, Blote," said brave young Meen. "Everyone in
town knows I'm here. If I disappear, the townsfolk will tear this place apart brick by brick!" "He's bluffing, Mr. Blote!" said Vulch, poking Meen with his gun. "I say we get rid of him once and for all!" "Pipe down, Vulch," said Blote, "I think he's telling the truth. But he doesn't realize that in less than one hour, there won't be anyone left in town to come looking for him!" "What do you mean, you overstuffed chair?" asked Meen. "I mean a terrible accident is about to blow Jollyburg right off the map!" Blote's flabby face shook as he laughed. |
| Location: Level 19 (The Catacombs 3)
Southwestern cell |
| ---- |
| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
| "You're going to blow up Jollyburg? But what about all those innocent
people?" asked Meen. "It will be a terrible tragedy," said Blote, smiling. "See that timer on the wall? It shows the countdown for my BBBM." "BBBM?" asked Meen. "Barton Blote Ballistic Missile," replied Blote. "When the countdown reaches zero, the missile is launched, and it's bye-bye Jollyburg! My men will plant evidence to make it look like an accidental gas explosion. Once everything's settled down, I'll buy the land at a discount and build my plant. It's perfect!" "You must be joking!" said Meen. "You don't have the brains to light a match, let alone fire a missile!" The large, blubbery man stood up, his cheeks shaking in anger. "I'll show you who can fire a missile!" he yelled. "In fact, I'll give you the best seat in the house to watch the explosion. Vulch, take our meddling friend down to the silo and strap him to the top of the missile." He walked to the door and turned. "Goodbye, young Meen," he said, "I hope you enjoy the view." |
| Location: Level 21 (The Hedgerow Maze 1)
Cell in southwestern hidden area |
| ---- |
| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
| Vulch finished tying brave young Meen to the top of the missile and
climbed down the ladder. "Enjoy the ride, kid! It'll be your last!" Vulch laughed and walked out the door. Meen could see the countdown timer on the wall near the top of the open silo. It showed thirty seconds, then started clicking down toward zero. Meen took a deep breath and began flexing his wrists. Blote and Vulch had no idea that the young hero had studied under the great Hoodooni, a master escape artist. Within ten seconds, Meen had escaped from the straps that held him to the missile. He looked up at the top of the silo and saw a panel with two buttons. One was marked "Open," and the other was marked "Close." He smiled. Back in Blote's office, Vulch and Blote were watching the nearby silo through binoculars. "Ten seconds, Mr. Blote," said Vulch. "Something's wrong, Vulch!" yelled Blote. "The silo's closing! Stop the countdown!" Vulch pressed a button on a remote control box. "It's not working, Mr. Blote!" screamed Vulch. "The missile's going to..." He was rudely interrupted by a tremendous explosion. |
| Location: Level 22 (The Hedgerow Maze 2)
Western cell |
| ---- |
| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
| The townsfolk of Jollyburg picked themselves up from where the
explosion had thrown them. They stared in wonder at the giant smoking hole where, just moments before, Toxo Corporation's new chemical factory had been. All that remained of the gigantic building was a single door still standing at the rim of the crater. A sign on the door read: No Smoking. "I guess they should have paid more attention to that sign," said Mayor Trueblue, wiping dirt from his clothes. "But what happened to Mr. Meen?" asked Jimmy, searching the crowd. "He was inside the building when it blew up, Jimmy. I'm afraid he's done for," replied the mayor, shaking his head sadly. |
| Location: Level 23 (The Hedgerow Maze 3)
Northeastern cell |
| ---- |
| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
| Suddenly, a voice called out from within the cloud of settling dust.
"Has anybody seen my left shoe?" said the voice. A figure walked toward the crowd of townspeople. It was I. M. Meen! He was covered from head to toe with soot from the explosion and was missing his left shoe. He smiled at the cheering crowd. "Hello, folks," he said. "Sorry about the mess. I guess Toxo decided to leave town the hard way!" Mayor Trueblue pushed his way to the front of the crowd and shook Meen's sooty hand. "We're glad you're all right, lad!" he said. "Jollyburg owes you a great debt. How can we ever repay you?" "How about a million dollars in new bills?" inquired Meen. Mayor Trueblue laughed and slapped Meen on the back. "Just got blown up and he still has a sense of humor!" he shouted. "I've made up my mind. We're going to have a parade in your honor!" "Oh boy," said Meen, yawning. |
| Location: Level 24 (The Hedgerow Maze 4)
Eastern cell in northern area |
| ---- |
| A page from the novel Hooray for Meen by I. M. Meen: |
| The band played a happy tune as it marched down Jollyburg's Main
Street. I. M. Meen had saved the day, and the townsfolk were thanking the hero with a parade. Later, Mayor Trueblue gave the handsome, well-dressed fellow the key to the city. Meen noticed that it was wooden with gold paint and not real gold. The noble hero sighed and smiled to the crowd of townsfolk gathered below the grandstand. After all, he thought, isn't the sight of their happy faces the real reward? Not really, he decided, but it will have to do for now. |
| Location: Level 25 (The Castle 1)
Northwestern cell |
I. M. Meen's Writings: The Collected Poems of I. M. Meen
| A selection from The Collected Poems of I. M. Meen: |
|---|
| Things I Like
Pulling legs off spiders Is a thing that I enjoy, I find an angry cobra makes a most delightful toy, A scorpion is lots of fun but watch out for its tail, Ghosts can be amusing, too until they start to wail, A coffin, crypt or graveyard is a splendid place to play, Of course the folks who play there tend to shun the light of day, Then there's haunted houses with their eerie creaks and groans, And spirits floating to and fro all moaning creepy moans, What's the point I'm making in this poem that you've just read? I surely will enjoy myself Each day until I'm dead! |
| Location: Level 14 (The Caves 2)
Southeastern cell |
| ---- |
| A selection from The Collected Poems of I. M. Meen: |
| The Wonders of Myself
I've often stopped and pondered the wonders of myself, The way my head rests on my neck Instead of on a shelf, My voice can roar like thunder or tinkle like a bell, One glance into the mirror and my heart begins to swell, I love the way my skin fits and the angle of my nose, The creaking of my elbows and the wiggle of my toes, I'm fond of my left kidney, my liver's pretty neat, I love those bony ankles just above my bony feet, It's true I quite adore myself That fact I can't deny, But since I am so wonderful Why should I even try? |
| Location: Level 29 (The Laboratory 1)
Western cell of central area |
| ---- |
| A selection from The Collected Poems of I. M. Meen: |
| The Mirror
The mirror is my closest friend and surely you know why, Each time I look into its depths I see a handsome guy, He's got a lovely head of hair, His nose is simply grand His teeth are like the shiny pearls that oysters make from sand, His high and noble forehead is a wonder to behold, Inside his head there rests a brain that's worth its weight in gold, His eyes are like two shining stars that twinkle in the sky, His face is like a movie star's and makes the ladies sigh, My mirror shows me all of this each time I stop and stare, That handsome fellow I. M. Meen with looks beyond compare! |
| Location: Level 34 (The Library 2)
Southwestern cell |
| ---- |
| A selection from The Collected Poems of I. M. Meen: |
| Meen, You are a Wonder
"Meen, you are a wonder," I've often heard it said, "That's quite a handsome face you've got upon your noble head, As for that brain inside your skull It's really quite astounding, The things that brain can think about would have my own head pounding, How can you be so wonderful, so perfect and complete, I try each day to be like you but I just can't compete!" |
| Location: Level 34 (The Library 2)
Center west cell |
I. M. Meen's Writings: One Great Guy: the Life Story of I. M. Meen
| A paragraph from One Great Guy: the Life Story of I. M. Meen: |
|---|
| On the night I was born, a great meteor streaked across the night sky.
Many of the townspeople saw it as a sign that something terrible was about to happen. My parents, of course, knew the truth. My childhood was a happy one. I have many fond memories of teasing other children, tying my father's shoelaces together as he read the paper, and spending quality time in the local cemetery. I was a wild and reckless teenager, often chewing gum in class. My rebellious attitude made me popular with the ladies, who saw me as an incredibly neat fellow with good personal hygiene. Yes, those were the days. |
| Location: Level 30 (The Laboratory 2)
Southeastern cell |
| ---- |
| A page from One Great Guy: the Life Story of I. M. Meen, by I. M. Meen: |
| I can tell you the three words most often used to describe me:
handsome, handsome, and handsome. I'm also called good-looking on occasion. I knew at an early age that I was meant to be great. When I walked down the street, bullies would run the other way. It had nothing to do with the skunk I kept as a pet. It was me they ran from, because they knew I was smarter, better-looking, and more neatly dressed than they were. Other children wanted toy cars, or bicycles, or dolls to play with. My favorite toy was a full-length mirror. I spent hours in front of it, admiring the handsome face that got better looking with each passing day. It was a happy time for me. |
| Location: Level 32 (The Laboratory 4)
Eastern cell in southwestern maze |
I. M. Meen's Writings: I. M. Meen's diary
| Excerpt from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
|---|
| I'm feeling very wicked today. I think I'll catch a few more of those little
bookworms in my labyrinth! What fun! There's nothing so amusing as watching them stumble about the corridors all teary-eyed until one of my stone pets catches them and locks them away in a cell! How they wail! How they screech! How they turn up their noses at the broccoli and spinach pie Gnorris brings them each day! Speaking of Gnorris, don't forget to tell him about the loose stone block in the wall of one of the cells on Level 4. It needs to be cemented at once before one of those little wretches discovers what's behind it! |
| Location: Level 4 (The Tower 4)
Cell west of player start |
| ---- |
| A sentence from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| It looks like I. M. Meen has done it again! I took a look at the hidden
room on Level 4 today. It seems to be working just as I had hoped. |
| Location: Level 4 (The Tower 4)
Westernmost cell |
| ---- |
| An entry from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| Well, I've done it again! I had Gnick and his boys install a secret
room on Level 4. I placed some Stealth Sneakers, an Explode-O-Fruit, and a Fire Wand inside, then I locked it with a hidden Push Button. There's only one way to open it, and the little bookworms will never figure it out! |
| UNUSED
Placement in diary is speculatory. Doesn't match up 100% with hidden areas in level |
| ---- |
| An excerpt from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| What a splendid day it was today! I caught up on all of my reading.
There were two articles that really caught my eye: "Why Good Spelling is Bad," from Misinformed Monthly; and "Bad Grammar Didn't Hurt Me None," from The Incorrect Enquirer. That's what I call quality reading! |
| Location: Level 27 (The Castle 3)
Central north cell |
| ---- |
| An entry from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| September 12:
Why in the world did I hire those nincompoop Gnomes to build my labyrinth? They've gone and lost half of my best magic items! I've zapped most of those silly Gnomes into stone guardians and placed them on the upper levels of the labyrinth. Gnick's rather upset, but I told him he'd be joining his crew if he wasn't careful, and he had a sudden attitude adjustment. I can't believe they lost my Magic Scepter! I searched all over Level 27, but couldn't find it. At least I know where my Storm Wand is. I put it on Level 28 behind a lovely statue of me. What a handsome and noble statue it is, although I. M. Meen is much better looking in the flesh! |
| Location: Level 28 (The Castle 4)
Northwestern cell |
| ---- |
| An entry from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| I am so excited! I had Gnorris ship off several more of my stories, and I
can hardly wait to see them in print! He sent "Meen and the Moon Rocket," which tells the story of a brave young man's trip to the moon; "Meen, Private Investigator," in which a hard-boiled and extremely handsome detective hunts down a ring of jewel thieves; and "The Third Meen," a suspenseful tale of spies and imposters. I'm sure the publisher will be delighted with these excellent stories. I've already written my Pulitzer Prize acceptance speech. Well done, Meen! |
| Location: Level 31 (The Laboratory 3)
Southeastern cell |
| ---- |
| An excerpt from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| Level Six of my labyrinth is nearly finished. I can't wait to try it out on
those studious little twerps! Gnick and his Gnome crew have really done wonders with the place. They take their time, it's true, and they often sleep more than they work, but they still make a great labyrinth. It's going to be a great day when I catch the first bookworm! It won't be long now! Hee hee! |
| Location: Level 32 (The Laboratory 4)
Eastern cell |
| ---- |
| A paragraph from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| Just two more days until my greatest creation is finished! I can hardly
believe it! Soon the little kiddies will be crying their eyes out, trapped for all time in my labyrinth! Gnick and his boys are to be commended on the great job they've done! Hee hee! |
| Location: Level 32 (The Laboratory 4)
Center cell |
| ---- |
| An entry from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| January 6:
We finally got the stone guardians I ordered. They came in on Tuesday afternoon. Gnick and his boys had a little trouble with one of them, when it came to life suddenly and used Gned to bash a hole in the wall on the fourth level. I'm expecting another shipment of supplies on Saturday, but I won't hold my breath. I called that fellow Hardwick over at Sinister Structure Supplies eighteen times in December, but he's very stubborn. He refused to send me anything else until I paid up my account. The nerve of that man! It's hardly been more than seventy years, and he's already looking for his money! Well, by the end of January I should have everything I need. I can't wait! |
| Location: Level 33 (The Library 1)
Southwestern cell |
| ---- |
| From the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| I had a number of hidden rooms built on the thirty-six levels of the
labyrinth. These rooms can be entered only after a specific task is performed. The pitiful little urchins I've trapped here will never find their way into these rooms. It's too bad for them, since I've put some wonderful magic items in each room. Meen, you're a sneaky fellow! |
| Location: Level 34 (The Library 2)
Northeastern cell |
| ---- |
| An entry from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| Things to do today:
Go to Level 34 and hide a pair of Stealth Sneakers behind the Meenwalls in the south. Remember to open the door with one of the Meenwalls, but don't touch the wrong one or bad things will happen. Look for Winter Wand again - too bad I already turned Gneville into a stone guardian, or I'd make him do it. Trap a few more bookworms just for fun. |
| UNUSED
Placement in diary is speculatory |
| ---- |
| An entry from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| Well, diary, I've done it! Those fools at the Museum don't have the
slightest idea that it was I who stole their precious magic book! It was far too dangerous to leave Writewell's Book of Better Grammar out in the public eye, since it's the one thing that could spell disaster for I. M. Meen! I think I'll hide the cover on Level 35, among the other books in the library. No one will ever suspect that I'd leave it out in the open. Oh, Meen, you are a clever fellow! |
| Location: Level 35 (The Library 3)
Northwestern cell |
| ---- |
| An entry from the diary of I. M. Meen: |
| That rotten Gnorris has helped the bookworm ruin my beautiful
labyrinth! I'll get him for this! "Yes, Boss, I'll make sure the bookworms stay in their cells," he used to say. It's time to turn that miserable Gnome into a doorknocker! No one betrays I. M. Meen and gets away with it! As for that little smartie, I've got a nice, cozy cell waiting. This time, the bookworm won't get away. I'll use my magic to build Robomeen, a giant, good-looking robot that never sleeps and has the strength of fifty men! He'll keep that bookworm from getting away! I hope the bookworm hasn't been reading that awful Writewell's Book of Better Grammar. If so, I could be in trouble. My magic has been badly damaged, and any more good grammar by the bookworm could rip a hole in my magic and suck this place into the fourth dimension! I'm off to find Gnorris and the goody-goody bookworm and stop them both for good! |
| Location: Level 36 (The Library 4)
Carried by I. M. Meen |
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Last updated: October 25th, 2024.