I. M. Meen - Scroll Archive (Letters)
This section of the Scroll Archive deals with letters sent to and from I. M. Meen. Many of Meen's written letters involve him complaining about something, while the ones sent to him are a mixture of praise and disdain for his antics.
From I. M. Meen -- To I. M. Meen
Letters: From I. M. Meen
| A letter from I. M. Meen to his doctor: |
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| Dear Dr. Killum:
Those pills you gave me for the throbbing pain in my left big toe just aren't working! I may not be an M.D., but I certainly know malpractice when I see it! What are you trying to pull, you old quack? I. M. Meen is nobody's fool! You'll be hearing from my lawyer! Warmest Regards, Ignatius Mortimer Meen |
| Location: Level 5 (The Dungeon 1)
Northwestern cell |
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| A letter from I. M. Meen to Sinister Structure Supplies, Inc.: |
| Dear Sirs:
It has come to my attention that you have yet to deliver some of the items I have ordered. Let me tell you that I. M. Meen is not one to keep waiting! Where are my supplies? I am still waiting for the Stone Skeleton Guardians, the Flickermatic Dungeon Torches, and the Push Button, which I plan to use to open a secret room in the northeastern part of Level 7. In conclusion, I hope that I will receive the rest of my order very, very soon. If I don't, you can bet you will be the first to know. Impatiently Yours, I. M. Meen |
| Location: Level 7 (The Dungeon 3)
Northeastern cell |
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| A letter from I. M. Meen to Neverfail Magic Products: |
| Dear Sirs:
I recently purchased a wand from your Wonder Wands series, and it turned out to be a useless piece of junk! I bought the Super Sizzler for a pretty penny after I read the ad in which you claim it will "melt concrete." Well, when I tried it, it just spat out a few harmless sparks. You should have called it the Super Fizzler! Of course, my Gnome volunteer target holder was relieved, but I was very upset. I would like a full refund immediately. Disgusted, I. M. Meen |
| Location: Level 9 (The Sewer 1)
Southeastern cell |
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| A letter from I. M. Meen to Ophelia Chill: |
| My Dearest Ophelia:
As you requested, I have enclosed three of my finest poems. I'm sure you'll find them highly entertaining, since you are aware of my natural talent for writing poetry. I would suggest, dear girl, that you read them in this order: "Meen, Meen, Meen," which needs no explanation; "The Mirror," which is a tribute to my favorite household object; and "A World Without Meen," which is perhaps the saddest poem ever written. Let me know when you are ready for more. I'll talk to you soon. Warmest Regards, Ignatius |
| Location: Level 14 (The Caves 2)
Northern cell |
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| A letter from I. M. Meen to Rotten Records: |
| Dear Sirs:
I recently purchased Johnny Skull and the Old Bone Band's new CD, Shake, Rattle, and Moan, and I was very disappointed with this product. Your television ad clearly states that this is a collection of Johnny's greatest hits, including "Skullbone Boogie," "I Gave You My Heart But I Really Need It Back," and "Spinning In My Grave." Imagine my horror when I played the disc and discovered that it wasn't Johnny and his band, it was some fellow named Phil playing their songs on his kazoo! You should be ashamed of yourselves! I demand a full refund at once! Good day! Angrily Yours, I. M. Meen |
| Location: Level 24 (The Hedgerow Maze 4)
Western cell in central area |
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| A letter from I. M. Meen to Ophelia Chill: |
| My Dear Girl:
How have you been? I wanted to thank you again for nominating me for the Number One Wizard position in the Society. It's really too bad about all of the other candidates disappearing. I wonder where they've gone off to? Isn't it odd that they all left large toads behind when they disappeared? I wonder why? Well, Ophelia, rest assured that I. M. Meen will not be performing a disappearing act. I'm looking forward to leading the Society, and I've already come up with a number of ideas for improving things. I'll tell you all about it at next week's meeting. Until then, my dear, I wish you well. Warmest Regards, I. M. Meen |
| Location: Level 25 (The Castle 1)
Northeastern cell |
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| A letter from I. M. Meen to The Discount Wand Outlet: |
| Dear Sirs:
I am writing this letter to complain about a wand I purchased from you one week ago. I am referring to the Turbo Tornado wand, which is supposed to create winds the strength of a raging tornado. Ha! The best wind this wand can manage is a little breeze that won't blow out a match! You may be able to fool some people with this junk, but you can't fool I. M. Meen! Send me my money back today, or you'll regret it. Furious, I. M. Meen |
| Location: Level 25 (The Castle 1)
Western central cell |
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| A letter from I. M. Meen to Charlotte Enfield of the radio show "Tough Talk": |
| Dear Ms. Enfield:
I had the misfortune of hearing part of your "Tough Talk" program the other day. The topic was "The Importance of Learning Good Grammar." What nonsense! I attempted to call in to your show and clear up the lies you and your guest, Frieda Teachmore, were spreading to your listeners. Someone who called himself Joe Smith answered the phone. When I explained why I was calling, Mr. Smith hung up on me! How rude! If you were better educated, you would have read the recent article by Kent Reed titled "The Dangers of Learning," which explains in detail how learning can cause bad breath and pimples in children. I hope you will present both sides of this issue in future shows. Thoughtfully Yours, I. M. Meen |
| Location: Level 29 (The Laboratory 1)
Cell in eastern maze |
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| Part of a letter from I. M. Meen to Preposterous Publications: |
| Dear Sirs:
I am shocked that you are not interested in publishing my novel Meen Battles the Toad People of Wartland. It is the tale of a handsome young man who saves the world from destruction at the hands of the evil Toad People from below. Clearly, you are all a bunch of ninnies and wouldn't know a good book if it hit you in the head! How could you say that my beautiful novel isn't worth wrapping fish in? I guess you haven't read my other fine novels, which have sold nearly ten copies worldwide. These include Meen Goes to Mars, Hooray for Meen, The Temple of Gloom, and Meen: Dino Hunter. Insulted, I. M. Meen |
| Location: Level 32 (The Laboratory 4)
Western cell in southwestern maze |
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| A letter from I. M. Meen to the publisher of Way Out Tales: |
| Dear Publisher:
How do ninnies like you end up running magazines? Are you married to the owner's daughter? I am deeply upset by your recent rejection of my excellent story entitled "Meen and the Danger Machine." What was wrong with that story? I showed it to dozens of people before I sent it, and they all thought it was wonderful. Well, perhaps not dozens. Actually, it was just my assistant, Gnorris. He didn't really read it, but he did put it in the envelope and mail it to you. In any case, I demand that you print my story! If you don't, I will be forced to take legal action immediately. Best Regards, I. M. Meen |
| Location: Level 33 (The Library 1)
Northeastern cell |
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| A letter from I. M. Meen to Wiz-O-Matic Magical Supplies: |
| Dear Sirs:
I'm absolutely astounded that you're able to remain in business! I can't believe the poor quality of your products! I just received my order of Invisi-cream, which has a lifetime guarantee. I applied the cream as directed. But, instead of turning me invisible, as it's supposed to, the cream turned invisible and didn't do a thing to me! What good is an invisible cream? It's no good to I. M. Meen, I can tell you that much! Send me my money back today! Enraged, I. M. Meen P.S. Thank you for the Wiz-O-Matic calendar that was free with my first order. I'll use it to mark the days until I get my money back, you crooks! |
| Location: Level 33 (The Library 1)
Center cell |
Letters: To I. M. Meen
| Part of a letter from Really Strange Tales: |
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| Dear Mr. Meen:
Please don't send us any more of your stories! We've asked you politely on several occasions, and yet you continue to mail us this trash! I read the first four words of your story "Meen's Adventures in Time" and I nearly lost my lunch! This story is so bad, it makes your last submission, "Meen: Space Marine," look like a great piece of literature! I do not wish to seem rude, but you are without a doubt the worst writer on the planet. Do not send us anything else! My assistant has heart trouble, and your story, "Meen Joins the Circus," nearly killed her. For her sake, and for the sake of all humanity, do not write another story! Yours Truly, Turner Pagewood Editor |
| Location: Level 18 (The Catacombs 2)
Southwestern cell |
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| A letter from Sinister Structure Supplies to I. M. Meen: |
| Dear Sir:
No, Mr. Meen, I am not mistaken! We have never received a penny from you. Mr. Meen, I have to be honest. I am having a hard time believing your story that you sent the money by carrier pigeon. It seems to me that there are far more reliable ways to pay your bills, sir. We want our money! I hate to do this, sir, but you leave me no choice. You can expect a visit soon from my three ogre associates: Bash, Smash, and Walter. I'm sure you'll be able to work something out with them. Best Regards, Feldspar Hardwick Sinister Structure Supplies |
| Location: Level 20 (The Catacombs 4)
Cell in northeast hidden area |
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| A letter from Gnatalie Gnome to I. M. Meen: |
| Dear Big M:
Gnick and I would love to have you over for dinner on the thirteenth at 8:00. He's told me so much about you that I feel as though you and I have already met. Gnick also tells me that the work on your labyrinth is going very well. He says he's really enjoying the work and that you are a very clever man. I do hope you can join us. Just let Gnick know the next time you speak with him. I look forward to meeting you in person. Yours Truly, Gnatalie Gnome |
| Location: Level 23 (The Hedgerow Maze 3)
Eastern cell near Illusion Tree |
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| Late payment letter from Sinister Structure Supplies, Inc.: |
| Dear Mr. Meen:
It seems that we have a little problem regarding your account. We have yet to receive any payment from you for a number of items you purchased on November 1, 1858. The list is as follows: 1) Thirty-six (36) marble gargoyles from the "Ghastly Gothic" collection 2) Four thousand, six hundred and twenty-two (4,622) tons of Magic Mortar 3) Three hundred eighty-seven thousand, seven hundred and fifty-five (387,755) tons of Mystic Maze Marble Mr. Meen, we have been very patient with you. In fact, we've been waiting 135 years! I'm afraid our days of waiting are over. If we do not receive payment from you within two weeks' time, we're going to have to start legal action. We don't like to resort to these drastic measures, Mr. Meen, but you have put us in an awkward position. We do hope that you have merely forgotten to send us your payment. This is hard to believe, since we've sent you more than two hundred gentle reminders over the years! We look forward to receiving your cashier's check soon. Best Regards, Feldspar Hardwick President Sinister Structure Supplies, Inc. |
| Location: Level 28 (The Castle 4)
Southwestern cell |
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| A letter from Ophelia Chill to I. M. Meen: |
| My Dear Meen:
Thank you so much for your recent letter and poems. I was delighted to read them, and I found them most interesting. My favorites were "Heaven Is a Guy Named Meen," "What Could Be Better Than Meen in a Sweater," and "Meen in Love." I must say, Ignatius, I was deeply moved by the last one. Could it be that the world's most eligible bachelor is finally ready to give us a chance? If so, I'd like to be the first in line. Do write back soon. Perhaps we can get together, and I can hear your lovely poetry straight from your own lips. Warmest Regards, Ophelia |
| Location: Level 28 (The Castle 4)
Northeastern cell |
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| Letter from the Society of Wicked Wizards to I. M. Meen: |
| Dear Meen:
I'm pleased to inform you that you have been elected Number One Wizard for our little group. Let's face it, dear Meen, with your talent for creative wickedness, you're the right wizard for the job. This whole labyrinth thing has set a new standard of evil excellence for us to follow and helped get you elected. Even stuffy old wizards like Toadwart the Magnificent and The Astounding Pilk voted for you. Oh, one more thing. You must tell me why you chose to hide that awful Writewell's Book of Better Grammar within the labyrinth. The theory here at the home office is that you are just toying with the little wretches you've caught in your evil web. I can see it now! They stumble around for eternity, while the one thing that could free them is just footsteps away! You are a sly one, Meen! I do hope to hear from you soon. Warmest Regards, Ophelia Chill |
| Location: Level 29 (The Laboratory 1)
Eastern cell in northeastern area |
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| A letter from the editor of Really Strange Tales to I. M. Meen: |
| Dear Mr. Meen:
Thank you for submitting your short story "Meen Meets the Marsh Monster." Unfortunately, it doesn't meet our current needs. In fact, it will never meet our needs, now or two hundred years in the future. In a word, Mr. Meen, it is bad. So bad, in fact, that my assistant fainted after reading it. She may never be the same again. Do the world a favor, Mr. Meen, and never, never write another story. This is the fourth story we have gotten from you, and not one of them was worth the paper it was written on. Except, of course, for "Meen Against the Mole People," which you wrote on the back of a ten-dollar bill. I sincerely hope we never hear from you again. I mean it this time. Yours Truly, Turner Pagewood Editor |
| Location: Level 30 (The Laboratory 2)
Center east area |
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Last updated: October 25th, 2024.